|Chris Peruzzi writes rants. To see more of his work go to his
best things in life are free, but you can feed them to the birds and
bees. Give me money, that's what I want."
- The Beatles
"There is nothing quite as
wonderful as money! There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash!
Some people say it's folly, but I'd rather have the lolly, with
money you can make a smash."
- Eric Idle, Monty Python's Flying Cicus - The Money Song
"Money, I love everything
about it. I love to eat it. They say you can't take it with you? I
can take it with me."
- Steve Martin
"You can keep your Marxist
ways, for it's only just a phase... Money, money, money makes the
world go round!!!"
- Eric Idle, Monty Python's Flying Cicus - The Money Song
"I'm a Toydarian. Mind tricks
don't work on me. Only money."
- Watto, Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace
Have I mentioned to you that I'm
No? Well, I am.
I'm for sale to the highest bidder,
or the not so highest bidder, or the person who will give me what I
need when I need it. I love money. I think the people who say that
money can't buy happiness don't know where to shop. Actually, money
can't buy happiness, but I am certain it can be rented.
Believe me, I know that about 80% of
my problems could be solved with cash and I am not above saying so.
However, I am also a great believer in personal integrity. I believe
that an individual's personal word
is worth more than the power of cash. Integrity is an issue that has been the forefront of
most of my rants recently. Whether it has anything to do with a
corporation or just someone saying that they'd do something and
delivering on that promise, I can't respect anyone or anything
Money and integrity. Integrity and
money. They really should go together. Most of the time these two issues
are mutually exclusive. Show me a wealthy man, I'll show you someone
whose got a big ol' skeleton in his closet. I have yet to meet a well
to do person that didn't do something despicable to either get his
money or keep it. And in many ways it disgusts me.
I would also hate to think that the
only way I'll get rich is to sell my soul for it. But as souls go
mine shouldn't fetch a really high price anyway. Sometimes, it's
just enough money to pay the mortgage. Other times, it's just
something that will make me sleep better at night. An extra grand in
my checking account will do that.
I've heard other people say "The
things I do for love." That's nothing compared to the things
I'll do for money.
Just kidding. There
are just some things that I won't do. That reminds me of a good
Did you hear that scientists are
going to start using lawyers instead of rats? It's true. The
scientists have found that they get less attached to the lawyers and
there are just some things that a rat won't do.
My scruples could be called
into question if there were a significant dollar amount attached to
any issue. Will I do something disgusting for money.... mayyyybe.
Will I sell out my business principles for a couple hundred
grand? Where do I sign?
I can hear the deal in my head right
now. "We've established what you are Mr. Vikar. Now, it's just
a matter of negotiating price." Oh well, we all can't be Mother
But let's get back to the subject of
integrity. I believe that the majority of the headlines out in the
news today are really integrity issues. Let's think of the Martha
Stewart debacle. If you act now, you'll be able to keep your money.
I have a little information that could be slightly privileged, but
if I use it I'll earn millions. Hmmmm, or let's see. If I lie and
rate this crappy stock high, I can buy it low and be able to sell it
really, really high... if I hype it juuuuussssst right. Or maybe if
I lie about the books, my company will look much better on paper
than it really is and I could make a fortune buying into that
company and selling before all this crap comes to light.
What people do for money. Cash. Cold
My father had always told me that
sooner or later someone always has to pay the piper. Well, the piper
is getting winded and he is starting to pack his bag to go home.
C'mon guys, let's pass the hat and pay the man. All it's going to
cost us is the sweat of honest men and women. Let's not bother with
the fact that a whole bunch of golden parachutes have ejected
leaving the rest of us shmoes holding the bag.
And before I hear anyone say anything
about hard working rich people... there aren't any. Not anymore. The
hard working rich people lost the money they earned with their
401K's. So, right now, they are retired poor people with hopefully a
bunch of cash in their mattress.
No, I'm afraid the rich people
nowadays are the bastards that decided to cheat the rest of us out of
our bucks. Look at the Dow. You can see them all bailing. What we
are looking at right now is a severe market adjustment. The bastards
have pushed the envelope too long and too hard.
This should be no surprise. We
learned ethical lessons from a president that "did not have
sexual relations with that woman". If the president can lie,
why can't big business. So what if Arthur Andersen and MCI Worldcom
are billions of dollars off on their accounts. For a while, big
business could play the Jedi Mind Trick with the public and get away
A fish rots from the head down. What
we are watching right now is the aftermath of everyone getting
Did I ever tell you that I had the
opportunity to work as a commodity broker at one point in my life?
The problem was that I did not look good with a full beard. I've
discovered that in order to shave, I'd eventually have to look in a
mirror. When the man staring back is not someone I'd like to look
at... well, beard is the only way to go. I'm funny that way. My
disgust for the financial community knows no equal. That was then
and that is now.
I just can't stand them. And if they
burn in hell, I hope I'll be there to stoke up the flames.
I keep on thinking whether there is a
way to earn money in these modern times and not have to sell your
soul for it. With the way legislation is right now, I think the only
way to get it now is to sue for it. This country has managed to find
the cure for the American Dream. In this country you have the
opportunity to earn as much money as you want and succeed. At the
same time, we will give the opportunity to anyone else to come along
and take it from you. Always remember that the hot coffee in your
cup is hot. If there is no sign on the cup saying that, you can make
If little junior skins his knee
playing ball, before you get that Band-Aid for him, remember to sue
the township for negligence. The ground should have been more even
to promote safe play for children. OH THOSE POOR CHILDREN!!!
WHATEVER SHALL WE DO FOR THEM!!!! TO GROW UP IN A WORLD SO
DANGEROUS!!! We can't have a world where a child can skin his knee.
But for a million dollars, his knee will feel a lot better. A
million dollars can buy an awful lot of bubble wrap to keep your
I understand the popping can be fun,
too. So long as your kid doesn't eat it. Hmmmmmmmm.
It disgusts me that doctors are the
first to be preyed upon. The money hungry vultures that get sick
look for an opportunity for their cold. "Well, I took the
medication that the doctor gave me.... all at once. What? I
shouldn't have done that? Let me sue."
This country has found a way to let
the idiots and the immoral rise to the top while leaving hard
working honest people impoverished. It really makes me sick just to
think about it. We have become a society of the have's and the have
not's. And we all know what road that leads to. Orwell wrote all
But listen to me, I have gone too
Here I go on a tirade for the working
class. Perhaps, I have lost perspective. Perhaps, I need to clear my
pallet. Perhaps, with a couple of bucks, I can find a finance plan
to buy back my innocence and have a bit left over to keep a roof
over my head.
People say that money is the root of
all evil. Tell me who is saying that.
I want names.